Inclusion: What Matters Most, To Both The Young and The Old

August 26, 2022

younger and older people holding hands

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

 

What matters most to both the Young and the Old?

Going back to school, joining a team, starting a new job, moving to a new town?  They all can be great opportunities for new friends, new activities, a new area.  But they also can come with new stressors no matter what your age.

 

As a younger person going to school, I used to think trend following was such a silly thing and wondered why so many people changed their minds frequently.  One minute the crowd loved wide-legged pants, then next minute it is skinny jeans.  Next thing you know, bell bottoms will be back in style.

 

Yes, I understand that fashion revolves and folks want the freshest looks.  Showing up to school on the first day in a new outfit that is on point is not (just) about being fashionable, but rather accepted and liked by your peers, and therefore included.  Once you are included, then you are “in the know”, have access to the inside jokes, and become a part of that community.

 

Inclusion is the part of the equation that matters.

 

LEGO team of minifigs

Photo by Vlad Hilitanu on Unsplash

 

Teams are important

Now look at kids, teens, or adults joining different teams.  They may or may not like that sport, and they may or may not be very skilled at it.  However, more often than not, their friends (or people they want to be friends with) are on the team.

 

Being a part of the team is the important factor.  This community is huge and can be very rewarding, which is why so many adults hold fond memories of their youth leagues.  Teams can truly be another family.  And those bonds made during practice and games (through blood/sweat/tears) can last a lifetime!

 

Work Family

And just like sports, going to work at a new company is another key area for inclusion.  How do you fit in this new environment?  Are you like the others? Do you compliment each others’ differences?  It can be wonderful if everyone fits well.  Supporting and caring for your colleagues as you get through the work day is great.  Everyone goes home feeling accomplished and happy.

 

And with that new job may come a move to a new neighborhood, in which you try to keep up with the Jones next door or down the road.  Fitting in with everyone may feel like a certain set of standards need to be met so you can be a part of that group.  For it is easier (and feels nicer) to be part of the conversation than to be not.

 

man wiping away tears in a suit

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

 

But what if you are not part of the group?

If all of your neighbors drive an SUV, it is hard to ignore your small sedan pulling up.  If everyone golfs on Thursday down at the club, it is hard to not feel left out if you are not a member.

 

If all of your friends have earrings but you are not allowed a piercing, it is hard not to feel sad about your unadorned earlobes.  And say all of your friends made the team but you did not, of course you are going to feel left out.

 

Inclusion… Such a powerful feeling and action, and how quickly it can hurt and separate. 

 

 

Understanding the INs and OUTs of a group

This is not a dichotomy, of either you are IN or OUT because there are awkward times where you cannot be excluded or are still deemed “useful”, and then fall into a gray zone.  To be clear, this purgatory is not a fun place to reside.

 

This middle-area navigation is what leads to some trouble, because not everyone will be “popular” or “best friends”.  When kids are in school, this differentiation is hard.  Just plain hard.  As an adult, it becomes more nuanced in that groups form and most adults just want to feel that they fit into a group well and be generally liked.

 

college student and older man walking up stairs

Photo by John Moeses Bauan on Unsplash

 

Possibly the trickiest group for inclusion navigation is for college freshmen, who are students but technically adults entering the bigger world for the (likely) first time alone.  An article which came out not that long ago talked about this topic.  It struck me in how hard it must be for all of them right now…  “Care of the College Student”. Unwin, et.al. American Family Physician, August 2021, Vol.104, Number 2, p.141-151.

 https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2013/1101/p596.html#:~:text=A%20structured%2C%20coordinated%20health%20care,the%20care%20of%20college%20students.&text=Pharmacologic%20and%20cognitive%20behavior%20therapy,deficit%2Fhyperactivity%20disorder%20in%20adults.

 

College students must navigate all areas of a new school, possible new teams +/- jobs, and new locations, as well as their own medical management.  All of these areas on top of new friends to sort out (and the actual going to school).  Yikes!  To all of the college students in my life, I send an extra prayer your way!

 

 

How can you simplify inclusion?

The Golden Rule is a good place to start with simplifying inclusion.  Do onto others as you wish they would do onto you.  Treat people well and they will (hopefully) do the same.  Unfortunately, just because you are nice does not mean you will have all the friends you want, but it is a great start!

 

One thing to be aware of, and extra mindful of, is that not all nice people are automatically included.  Yes, there are some quiet ducks and wallflowers that are often loners, but not necessarily by their choice.

 

With this new season, it is a perfect opportunity to reach out to a new friend and ask them to sit by you, work together on a project, throw the ball around – whatever.

 

Even passing a small compliment to a stranger may have the most profound effect on their day.  A simple, “Wow!  I love your shoes!” that seems like a quick thought to you… (Hey, they were sparkly), could be the nicest thing a person has said to them in weeks.  And that one compliment then gave them a brighter smile.


The small things matter.  Inclusion matters.

 

two kids walking down the sidewalk

Photo by KL Restored

 

Why all the kumbaya?

To start, I am a fan of helping others when I can, hence my prior occupation.  (See https:// KLRestored.com for those details!)  Second, it pisses me off when people are mean just to be mean.  Come on, life is too short and sweet to be like that.  Spread a little love!  The third reason is closer to my heart…  Now that my children are in school, they are of the age when cliques are starting to form.

 

It absolutely crushes my heart to hear about who is friends with whom, and then who got in a fight with whom.  Soon there will be exclusions, I am sure, for one reason or another.  And my heart will break as I hold them while they cry…

 

 

More inclusion, please!

If you need more reasons to be more inclusive and kind, it will likely increase your health and longevity.  In a study of Blue Zones, top regions around the world where people live the longest and healthiest lives, there were several common reasons found why folks did better in those areas compared to the rest of the world.  One of those reasons is “Community”, and another is “Social Life”.  That means that if you continue to include others in your life of purpose, it will help all of those around you to live better and longer lives!  Check out the article here…

https://extension.psu.edu/longevity-tips-from-the-blue-zones

 

So I would like to put forward into the world an ask for more inclusion.  Not fake smiles nor empty promises, but simple kindness and warmth.

 

From one mother to the rest of the world, I thank you.

 

 

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