I have not written much all winter… 

We hardly saw family over the holidays… 

My pain has been a problem most of this past year… 

I have said, “No,” to several requests… and that is okay.

 

Truly, it is okay to give yourself permission for space. 

 

There has been a lot of talk recently about self-care, but what does that really mean?   

How do you take care of yourself?  And, is it wrong to put yourself first?  

Is it selfish to say, “No,” to a friend or family member?  

Most women and mothers put others first, as we always have done, but now I feel the pendulum is starting to swing in the other direction. 

My reasons for needing space right now stem from two surgeries: my shoulder repair done in September and my knee revision done in November.  (Previously, my reasons for needing to say No related to having newborns or my crazy work schedule.) 

 

I can give you a long list of other things that came up this past year..  Maybe these are also reasons you are too busy, get behind, just need space?

• • Healing from surgery (or some other type of healing)
  • Holidays and birthdays – needing to do the prepping, planning, and then execution 
  • Religious activities or other gatherings
  • Doctor visits, physical therapy appointments, and insurance phone calls
  • We got a new rescue dog to love on (and train), as well as adding many walks into our day
  • Community service projects happening in the neighborhood
  • Trying to reorganize your home – an overhaul of systems and learning these new habits
    • Is it me, or does there seem to be a continual supply of clutter that creeps in after I just cleaned and organized?!
  • Home renovations – planning and the mess the construction creates, related to above…
  • Dealing with the bank, loans, government stuff
  • Summer Camp for the kids – with which comes lots of packing for daily activities, lunches that are peanut-free, and more laundry
  • Etcetera, etc., etc.

 

But does the reason for needing (or just plain wanting) a little more breathing room matter?

 

 

 

The Superwoman created in the 80’s (that has perpetuated into the millennium) who has a power job, is a PTA and Pinterest mom, and who is the best wife/friend/neighbor possible is not real.  There are not enough hours in one day to do it all at once so this should not be expected, nor a set goal.   There really isn’t enough coffee to keep us going that long.  We need to change our perspective and aspirations. 

This ideology change goes for both women and men.

It is really okay to say, “No,” when friends and family ask you to visit if you’re not feeling up for the conversation, or the preparation, or the cleaning of your house to host that event is feels overwhelming.  It is okay to say, “No.”

Sometimes going into the full explanation of why the answer is NO even feels too much… 

“Yes, we want to see everyone at Thanksgiving — that is a given.  But no, I do not wish to sit in the car for 3 hours each way, do hours of chopping and food prep for one meal, and then deal with a likely-to-be throwing up child along the way.  It is too much to handle, in addition to my knee-braced, post-surgical leg pain, that is only 2 and a half weeks into its recovery.  And I cannot drink any wine in addition to my pain meds, so please do not ask if I am pregnant again.”

Seriously.  

 

And it is not just the holidays that are hard to navigate…

Even a simple Wednesday night gathering can feel one moment easily planned and a great idea, and the next minute too much to do and overwhelming.  

When you step back and look at the bigger picture, it is quite amazing that we middle-aged adults (gasp!) treat ourselves like we can do everything without consequence.  It is akin to teenage thinking, with twists of self-induced importance, stress, and urgency.  We feel invincible with all that we can accomplish, but know deep inside that we cannot; and then we crumble if we catch a glimpse of the towering mail stack on the counter or the laundry pile ever growing…

 

The stress is too much.

 

 

Weird, because children live in the moment, have a great time playing and learning.  But if they are overwhelmed, they meltdown, which is quickly resolved with a snack and a nap, and magically they feel better. 

But for many adults, we work like crazy, have many different foci, and then are bent-out-of-shape when life does not line up and move smoothly. 

Of course it doesn’t flow!  We are doing too much. 

Too many activities with children afterschool, too many work obligations, too many outside groups…  and then never enough down time or sleep.  

Let’s not forget about sleep!  I need to get at least a handful of hours of decent sleep, or I just do not function well.  Are you getting 8 hours each night?

 

This winter of recovery for me has taught me that cutting back, saying,  “NO”, and learning to just breathe has really helped clear my mind. 

It has taught me to look at things differently. 

I used to think I could (and should) be doing it all, and then felt horrible when all of the items on my lists were not complete.  

Sure, less blogs were written, but that does not make me a failure.  

Yep, we saw less family over the holidays, but we still chatted on the phone and online.  

And it is true that home projects were not completed, but we did get to focus more on us.

 

 

 

Earlier this year, two of my neighbors passed away.  One neighbor was around my age, and one was a bit older.  There have been several other deaths in my extended family and in our medical community this past year.

They are a sharp reminder that life is truly fragile. Our time here is not promised, and tomorrow may not come. 

Being constantly busy, planning on slowly down “later”, and enjoying our retirement “after” is perhaps a naïve approach to life. 

These deaths are a reminder that we need to make changes to our mind, body, and spirit.

Please know that it is okay to say, “No,” and not do it all.  

 

Take care of yourself now.  

 

Heal your whole self; find healthy ways to feel good.  Maybe you need to bake cookies…  🙂 

https://klrestored.com/2022/08/02/kl-healthier-chocolate-chip-cookies/

 

Take the time and the space that you need if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Find help from friends, family, or a doctor if that is your next step.  

Life is too precious not to hold onto it with love. 

 

 

 

Hotline for mental health is 988.

Call or text if you need to reach out to someone… 

Here is their website as well.  💗

https://www.fcc.gov/988-suicide-and-crisis-lifeline#:~:text=The%20988%20Lifeline%20provides%2024,professionals%20with%20the%20Lifeline%20network.